Hit

It was finally 2pm. Work day has ended. I was happy. I was looking forward to it. But my excitement was short-lived.

Surprisingly, and I was surprised myself, I was able to finish my responsibilities at around 2pm. Our branch closes at 1pm; I finished everything, balancing and day end duties, at 2. So I strutted to the pantry, all the way to a small room where I could change from my uniform to my home clothes. I brought a t-shirt, jeans and white shoes. I was excited to wear my t-shirt. It was no ordinary one. I bought it from the Manila Ocean Park when my mom and I visited it last October. This was the first day I would be using it. Aside from the fact that the design is amazing, it was a special shirt for me because of the memories my mom and I shared that day. It served as an emblem. I was cheerfully striding with the biggest grin on my face as I leave the pantry.

But my smile faded when I entered the back room.

It has been a tradition for me to bid goodbye to everyone in the branch before I totally walk out of it. I said my farewell to everybody, wishing them good weekend in my most exhilarated voice. But my enthusiasm died down when one colleague, looking at me bewildered, said, "You look like a Filipino maid."

You look like a Filipino maid.

My friend was told by her client that she was so thankful to her Filipino maid, because when she got sick, the maid attended to all of her needs in the hospital. The maid hardly went home to eat appropriately, or to bathe, or to have rest. She just couldn't leave her employer alone, even if it meant she had to take her sleep at the benches of the corridors of the hospital, while the employer's children were all resting soundly at the comfort of their homes. The maid did this with no complaints. No complaints at all.

But my colleague talked about maids, in general, like they are the outcasts of the world, oblivious to the fact that without them, she may not function properly. The world may not function properly. Unless it starts scrubbing the floor, nursing the sick, reading the kids storybook, and loving, really loving with no complaints, the most precious ones. And respect reciprocated as the only consolation.

Until then, the rest of the world may be outcasts themselves. Without even knowing it.

Feeling blessed ^^

I know. Despite all my whines and unhappy remarks, it is still something I should feel blessed.

When I went home to the Philippines for a short vacation in October, I almost did not want to leave again. I dreaded each day that passed, each leaves that fell. Each moment counted. Each laughter cherished.

Someone told me I should be thankful for my current post. I have a job a lot of people would love to have. I felt elated when I got this job. I was jubilant. But after months of homesickness, zero social life, and work stress, especially work stress, I plunged into eternal damnation. My rants started.

But things are turning around. I know the reasons for feeling blessed now. I always did. I just forget sometimes. Sometimes things happen because we need reminding. Well I do.

And I feel blessed again. =)

Hello

The good thing about meeting a lot of people is that one gets to understand that alongside hello is goodbye.

I've seen new faces. People come; people go. There are regulars who come everyday, one day they are gone. I used to dread the word goodbye. I hate full stops. I hate endings.

But I guess I'm numb now. I'll still cry, yes. I'll always do. But I am a better person now. I will shed a million tears, think and rethink, ponder and reponder. But that would be it. That would be it.

There is a good side to goodbyes. Because alongside goodbye, is hello.

The effect of coffee

Yesterday was Magnolia's Strawberry Gelato. Today is Nescafe. In can. Nescafe in can.

I can feel the effect of coffee slowly fading from my system. Or so I think. I drank this at 6pm; it's 1:05 now. Still, dreamland is too far away. It's just too far away...

The good thing about this is that I was able to finish a wonderful book, Life is a verb by Patti Digh (thanks, claudie!). I also wrote down some need-to-do things. I pondered on life, what I need to improve, what I learned from the book. I checked facebook; played Tetris on my phone; called my mom at 12:45 am. I sent a message to my brother to text me once he's home; I sent a message to a friend to ask how they were after the storm Ondoy. I made a lot of short trips to the loo. All these have been accomplished, thanks to Nescafe.

Only one thing is left undone: My well-deserved sojourn to dreamland. I'm hoping it transpires any minute now. Any minute now... I can feel it...

ZZzzz... ^^

Moving forward.

My horoscope for the year said I would be meeting my "soulmate" this year. I almost did.

It started in March. The company I am currently working in decided to upscale their service staff, and as part of this project, they required everyone to take a qualifying exam that would make us eligible to sell insurance. I hated it, not the exam, but the fact that after passing it I would be forced to do something I don't see myself doing. But I didn't have a choice.

He was new then. He is part of the marketing arm of the bank. When he heard about us taking this exam, he offered to help me review. He got my number; I got his. We communicated with each other since then.

I don't think he lied. My brother said nice people don't lie. And I don't think he did. His offense was concealing. He concealed things that may have impact on me. Maybe because he didn't really plan to prolong this communication. But he was forced. I forced him. I gave him no choice.

Eventually I felt him swaying with me. Whatever set-up it was, we gradually found ourselves attuned to it. I began to see sunshine every morning.

He became part of my everyday affairs. We were texting each other after work; we were texting each other during working hours that people at my workplace started to notice. We texted each other until bedtime.

I was happy.

But happiness that isn’t based on mutuality is not meant to last.

My friend said he just found me adorable. Nothing more. Like a good, old puppy. Maybe. Maybe I should be the one to blame. I misled myself. But I couldn’t help it. He became like an old, reliable, exciting memory I couldn’t just brush off. He became someone tangible; someone I never really had.

But now, reality is finally setting in. All dreams have endings, even though they haven’t really started yet. And this fraction of a lifetime that I concocted myself is beginning to vanish into thin air. I’m letting it go.

I’m letting myself move on.

The end

That's pretty much it. It ended already.

I wondered. How can something that hasn't begun could end? But it happened, right before my very eyes.

It started fast; it ended fast. I believe it's fair to end it the same way as it had begun.

I guess that's just the way it is.

Maybe three months were long enough. To me it wasn't. But to something that has no beginning, maybe it was way too long.

I'll be resilient. I'll be okay. I just need to learn to ignore the presence, clean up my memories, disregard the inducement to communicate. I didn't realize closing the communication line is the hardest. I'm still optimistic.

I miss it though...

Can i be your Saturday girl too?

My brother said i should just relax. Well, I am! =)

I'm just enjoying it. I am forcing myself to stop daydreaming about it. I only told two of the closest people in my life about it. I don't want to spoil it (as if there's something to spoil). And I'm trying not to analyze. I've stopped analyzing. I've stopped expecting.

I just wish it's the beginning of something wonderful. I deserve it, don't I?  =)