Plan B

Plan A: Fall head over heels over a significant other. At the age of 25, strut down the church's aisle, pacing while melting to meet the man of my surreality. He is patiently waiting at the altar; a smile beautifies his calming face. He is the only love among all the hate, the only one allowed to enter the gates and slay the dragon. The union is unforgettable that only tears can attest. It is the most significant of all days.

Reality: At 29, here I am, loveless. 

Plan A: Conceive kids at 27. A brood of three boys compose a lovely home. 

Reality: At 29, still childless.

I understand that most plans fail to materialize. Meet that special someone at 23, blush at the sound of his voice pronouncing his never-ending loyalty and love. Get engaged and be bound for perpetuity. Blah blah blah.

I spoke to my mom on my birthday. And my mom, being the wisest mother that she is, uttered verbatim, "You're already 29. Better find someone and get married before you turn 30." I was dumbfounded. How is this mathematically and scientifically possible?!

Inspired by my mom's great insights, 

Reality: At 29, a revised and improved Plan B is unveiled: If after five years my current state has never appreciated, maybe a significant other I can overlook. If I cannot obtain a love of my own, I might as well have a kid of my own. There are a lot of babies in need of a good home. It is an opportunity to alter someone's future and blossom my plight in the process.

Not a bad idea, eh? I don't think my mom will be impressed, though. :)

Thank You

When I am in my most vulnerable, you shoulder me. When I have dwindled, you rekindled me.

I am aware of my commitments, but I choose to neglect them at times. A stone is thrown at me; I throw it back with might. I proclaim my love for you, but I am aware you detect lip service. Everyday is a struggle for me, I know you consider my efforts against all others.

And now you have given me another year to be a witness of your profound love. I wholeheartedly accept to be the embodiment. I will falter. I will stumble. Forgetfulness will succumb me that I will cave to my limited perspectives. But I know you would understand. You have always understood. I never understood your continuous abundance of graces, it overflows my cup. I am a frail being. Yet you see me as I have never been seen before.

I woke up today, breathed your gift of air, and as I was walking to work I looked at the world from your vision. It is indeed a beautiful life. I thank you for lending it to an undeserving me.

Thank You for everything. :)

Jya

So I stole a moment of bliss again yesterday. My eyes met his presence. I took a deep breath.

I laid my eyes on him again, after an eternity of less than a month. The last time was an agony. Yesterday was a beautiful release.

This would be the last time I am laying it down in writing. Love is a sheer passing thought. It is like a wind blowing in a magnificent field; it stays momentarily, then it perishes. Eternally.

They say true love comes once in a lifetime. I reckon mine has just elapsed. Soul mates, if they exist, are a replica of our true self. Mine tiptoed past me, because I blinked for a millisecond. That was my unpardonable, vehement, mortal sin.

And I am letting go. It was a stainless goodbye. We greeted each other by kissing on the cheeks; we bid farewell the same way. It was the most poetic of punctuating a temporal fantasy.

I feel better. :)

M

M is for May Day

that was my day

M is for Marshmallow

that I felt on that day

M is for ice cream

I Melted with ease

M is for Moreover

moreover, I breezed

M is for the Moonshine

that glided in snow

M is for Mobile

my feet had its glow

M is for Manic

when I saw him there

A shadow was forming

another with flair

M is for Hopeful

I scrambled my letters

I panted and ranted

my scream unwanted

M is for Morose

the senses mislaid

M is for Mournful

a breath disarrayed

M is melancholia

the battle now lost

M is for May

forever not sought..

Unfortunate Reality

I lost my shoes. I thought I brought it with me when I travelled to work. But it was lost.

Then it was found. It was lying on the pavement, plastic and all. Fortunately, the cleaner did not spot it first and declared it to be a suspicious item. My shoes might have been submitted for further inspection had he found it before I did. Further inspection in the garbage bin.

I was asked to go home. Today was the day. There was some confusion, I thought it was on the 15th. But today was the day. All birthday celebrants for the month of October were invited by the management to a hearty bonding. Today was the day. And I did not bring any apparel. I had to head back home, fret over my rummaged closet, because today was the day.

And I lost two dollars. I saved my shoes, saved my dignity, but I lost two dollars. And I lost my sunshine morning. 

A series of unfortunate events. There are in between takes which I refuse to expound. They are somehow intertwined with too much thinking, a little tear flowing, a little sleep, and a little someone.

It is unfathomable why some events transpire as if to tease us, especially when obligations and commitments are all focused and drawn. Memory is a burden sometimes. I should not have wrung my brain cells out and extracted the cause of my connection. But I did.

And as I see the happy memories, I drown in misery.

The irony.

The Life of Pi

I had been longing to read this book for the longest time, but since I still have some that are patiently waiting for me to explore, the intention was pushed aside. It was reignited when I learned of a plan of turning this into a movie. I wanted, I needed, to digest it earlier than the moviegoers. So, out of impulse, I bought a copy from one of the local bookstores when I passed by it a couple of months ago.

It took me two months to finish it. It is impressive in the beginning, declines in mid part, and reaches the Mt. Everest somewhere in the middle and all through the ending. It is an interesting linear graph of emotions, with ascending and plummeting points popular all throughout.

The story is about a boy named Pi π. This is the short form of his Indian name that even his fellowmen are having a hard time pronouncing. I am still contemplating till this very moment if this name is a significant symbolism of something in the story. Is it equated with his guilt, like the mathematical constant that has an infinite but decreasing value? So is his conscience? After his ordeal, he returned back to God. The relation of his name is uncertain.

His family owns a zoo in India. His father, wanting to upgrade their economic status, decides to sell all the animals to migrate to Canada. They were in the middle of the Pacific when the ship sank. All the animals, the crew, and his family submerged along with the ship. He is the sole survivor. 

Or he thought he is.

When he falls on the water of the Pacific, he sights a lifeboat. He strives to aboard it, swims the best he could, sees another life form heading to the same direction. He attacks the living thing, he succeeds, then he drags his body to the safe part of the boat. This is where realization strikes him. He is not the single soul who survives.

And his adventure commences.

There are two realities presented in the story: the 'dry, yeastless factuality', and the 'better story'. After he reaches the land of Mexico, two Japanese men pay him a visit. Pi elaborates the two realities to them who are extracting valuable information from him as a way of justifying the ship's tragic end. I had accepted the 'better story' involving Richard Parker and dismissed the thought of defense mechanism playing a big part in the atypicality of the story. Until Pi uttered, "Which is the better story, the story with the animals or the story without the animals?", inquiring of the two men. So it is defense mechanism at work that is the main point of this book. Magnificently maneuvered and delivered!

He thanks Richard Parker for the company, Richard Parker vanishes like he never exists, and his imagination forms a better story to conceal his guilt. Richard Parker is the character he chose to acquire. Pi is a brilliant boy, God-fearing, and I guess he has all the valid reasons for all the lavishing and cannibalism he acted. According to him, animals are capable of doing crazy things for self-sustenance. If it does not resort to such, there is no way to survive. And men are the highest form of animals.

The Life of Pi bagged the Man Booker 2002 Award, a prestigious award-giving body for literary piece. It is an intelligent mixture of religions and human spirit, beautiful wordings crafted from a rich vocabulary, and well researched data to back up the facts. It is a survival manual containing three major aspects: spirituality by glorifying God in all patterns; morality with the creation of Richard Parker, and physicality through cannibalism, literally and metaphorically speaking. It is a twisted mentality, a last resort all of us might be capable of cooking up if in such a circumstance. But God is good.

At the end of it, Pi gets to take his cookie and eat it too.

I Need an Ice Cream

I was supposed to be enlightened by the Holy One. Instead, a different light shone upon me. It was a red light.

My only wish is to be swept off my feet. I am not looking for riches, or influence, or physical attributes so highly astounding I will be the envy of every girl I know. No. My guideline is simple. I only want a gush of feelings brought about by mere sight of someone that will bring shiver down my spine. After a very long time, after fervent prayers and a river of tears, God answered it.

It is mystical how a person we have not really had personal contact with can just touch an iced soul. It is elating. I was covered with snow. I liked some, yes, but I feel most of it are superficial. I was forcing the emotion just so I can have a reason for a sunshine morning. A few days ago, it was different. I felt something sneaking in me until I could not stop stealing a few glances. I could not be myself when my hand was held. Fantasies drifted me to far away places; I wholly accepted to be swayed by it. I found myself in reverie, him and me.

I finally found someone who sweeps me off my feet. 

But he was found by his wife first. 

And yes, they have a kid. 

I feel like the most miserable individual in the whole wide universe.

I have been telling my closest friends that I might be destined not to be married. That I was born to be alone, will go through life's journey on my own, and will leave without holding someone's hand. That I am not even to experience an exclusive hug. Today's revelation can be an affirmation.

I have never been affected in short days. I had never understood how this situation felt, until today. So this is how it is, huh. 

I need an ice cream. :(